Publish at July 02 2026 Updated July 02 2026
Leaving a relationship that causes pain seems simple when viewed from the outside. We tell ourselves, “All you have to do is slam the door,” and yet many people stay. It’s not because they’re weak or afraid of loneliness; they stay because that relationship has become a part of who they are.
Everyone tells themselves a story about their own life, and that story gives meaning to what they’re going through. It has a beginning, difficult moments, happy moments, and a direction.
Psychologist Dan McAdams explored this phenomenon in his book *The Stories We Live By*. In his view, we aren’t fixed individuals who’ve always been the same. We are a story that we rewrite little by little, as events unfold, and this story includes the bad times just as much as the good.
In a toxic relationship that lasts for years, the suffering eventually becomes part of that story. We see ourselves as someone who hangs in there, who loves unconditionally, who hopes the other person will change. Often, memories of the early days fuel that hope. We remember the person we once knew—the one who was attentive, funny, and present. We tell ourselves that the difficult times are only temporary, mere blips that don’t define who they really are. Leaving at that moment would mean erasing that entire story and admitting that all those years would have been for nothing.
That’s what the people around you don’t always see; they just say, “Leave,” but for the person going through this, it’s not a simple decision to make—it’s their entire story coming crashing down.
Staying in a relationship that causes pain isn’t just a matter of the mind. The body also plays a role—and it’s a powerful one.
Psychiatrist Judith Herman explains this in her book *Trauma and Recovery*. When a relationship alternates between difficult and gentle moments, the body learns something strange: it associates the intensity of emotions with the other person’s presence. In this case, you’re not weak—it’s just the way your body reacts to an unpredictable situation.
Reconciliations are often experienced as very intense moments. The tension, followed by relief, creates a sensation that calm relationships don’t often provide. Pain and well-being blend together in the same moment, with the same person.
According to the World Health Organization, nearly one in three women worldwide has experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner at some point in her life. This staggering figure cannot be understood without considering this bodily mechanism: the fear and comfort that follow one another within the same relationship make leaving much more difficult than an outsider might imagine.
And that’s when leaving becomes almost impossible to imagine. Not only because we love them despite the hardships, but also because those hardships are part of what we call loving that person.
Another mechanism makes things even more difficult. We tend to see our partner in a better light than they really are, even when evidence to the contrary keeps piling up.
Researchers Sandra Murray, John Holmes, and Dale Griffin studied these positive illusions in couples. Their conclusion: people in relationships tend to see more positive qualities in their partner than the partner sees in themselves. This doesn’t necessarily mean the person is naive. It’s an internal mechanism that kicks in naturally to help them stay invested in the relationship and suffer less from the disconnect between what they feel and what they observe.
In a toxic relationship, this mechanism backfires on the person. Hurtful behaviors become signs of vulnerability, mere passing mistakes. This idealized view comes at a silent cost: it leads us to downplay what we’re going through, and controlling or jealous behaviors are then reinterpreted as proof of love rather than warning signs. We see the other person not for what they do, but for what they might become again. And it is precisely this hope that compels us to stay.
But this idealized view isn’t always destructive. In a relationship free of violence or contempt, this same tendency to see the best in the other person often helps couples weather ordinary crises and strengthen their bond over the long term. The same mechanism protects a healthy couple and traps a toxic one.
Accepting reality as it is would require rebuilding everything at once: the image of the other person, one’s self-image, and the meaning of the entire relationship. It’s a challenge that many people find harder to face than the daily suffering.
Understanding all this changes the original question. The real question is no longer why someone stays; rather, it is:what does leaving really require? Itrequires reexamining who we are, rewriting our story, and mourning much more than just the relationship itself.
People around us often seem to believe that once the decision is made, everything else follows naturally. But the decision never comes first. It comes after a long inner journey, which requires time, support, and sometimes the help of a therapist.
According to Patricia Delahaie, a journalist and sociologist, in *Ces amours qui nous font mal* (*The Loves That Hurt Us*), it is possible to leave, but it requires taking certain steps. The reasons that drive us to stay don’t disappear with a single act of will. They must be worked through, one by one, taking as much time as needed.
The suffering experienced in a toxic relationship is part of a person’s life. The path to recovery does not lie in forgetting or feeling ashamed. It lies in the ability to tell oneself a new story, with a more accurate perspective on what really happened.
Illustration: Magnific - 70782473
References
Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery, 1992,
https://ia803207.us.archive.org/14/items/radfem-books/Trauma%20and%20Recovery_%20The%20Afterm%20-%20Judith%20L.%20Herman.pdf
Dan P. McAdams, The Stories We Live By, 1993, - https://archive.org/details/storieswelivebyp0000mcad/page/n339/mode/1up
Sandra Murray, John Holmes & Dale Griffin, “The self-fulfilling nature of positive illusions in romantic relationships,”
https://love-diversity.org/murray-s-l/
World Health Organization, Violence against women, 2025,
https://www.who.int/fr/news/item/19-11-2025-lifetime-toll--840-million-women-faced-partner-or-sexual-violence
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