From recognition to empathy

Can we really live without being recognized by others? From neuroscience to Maslow's pyramid, the consensus is unanimous: recognition is a fundamental need. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) identifies two universal human needs: the need for love and the need to feel we exist. Existing in the gaze of others is one way of accessing the feeling of existing.

However, in our everyday use of the word, "recognition" is a misnomer. We demand it, we clamor for it, we lament its absence, without ever really defining what it implies, or examining its different forms. Is it status, thanks, validation? And, depending on whether we use the common noun or the action verb, are we sure we're talking about the same thing?

To fully grasp the notion and its reality, we need to understand its dual nature. Recognition is not a unilateral due, it's a flow: there's the recognition I receive and the recognition I give. One probably doesn't work without the other. Ultimately, recognition would be like a two-way street: either reciprocal or not.

The three faces of recognition between human beings

Acknowledging the existence of others

The most basic form of recognition is that which acknowledges that the other exists: "I've seen that you're here, and I'm showing you". This recognition can be expressed by a simple glance, a nod, a wave or a smile. Words are not essential. When this simple recognition is lacking, the feeling can be very violent, because it's like the default affirmation that you're invisible to the world.

How many times have you stood in line in front of a counter with the feeling that your presence made no difference? How many times have you tried unsuccessfully to catch the eye of a waiter in a café? How many times have you found yourself suddenly transformed into a piece of furniture by a stranger who, without giving you a glance, interrupts your conversation with another person to address them? How did it feel?

This type of situation is perfectly described by Phil Collins in his song Another Day in Paradise. It's the daily life of homeless people, faced with passers-by who look away to avoid their gaze. It's also the tragedy of some older people: as soon as they retire, they slip into social invisibility.

Eric Berne, in his work on transactional analysis (TA), introduced the notion of "signs of recognition". These signs are the stimulants and markers of a relationship in which each person recognizes at the very least the existence of the other, and at most their value.

There are positive and negative signs of recognition, conditional and unconditional signs, and verbal and non-verbal ways of expressing them. So, at the very least, a sign of recognition is the look a sales assistant gives you in a shop to say "I saw you were here, I'll be taking care of you soon". But the sign of recognition is also, for example at work, constructive criticism or thanks for a job well done.

This need to be seen is so important that it has been shown that children prefer to be beaten rather than ignored. Harassing management is well aware of this, and prefers to isolate an employee it wants to get rid of, rather than increase the workload or offer repeated criticism.

On this subject, see Fabrice Cazeneuve's TV film De gré ou de force (1998), which portrays the pressure tactics of a company "fat-skimming" specialist. Silence and indifference are the most effective ways of making a person feel worthless, and causing them to lose all self-esteem.

Recognizing others for who they are

We also talk about "recognizing" someone when we're able to name them. It's someone I've met before, someone I've worked with, someone I know. I know her name and I know things about her: where she lives, how old she is, what she does for a living, who her parents are, etc. Because I "recognize" her. Because I "recognize" her, I'm more likely to approach her in a group of strangers.

Salespeople are taught to use and repeat a customer's name during a negotiation. This implicitly means "you see, I know you, I know what your needs are (so) you can trust me". Today, chatbots on the Internet also use this trick, even going so far as to use your first name to make you feel special.

Once again, it's a question of feeding the fundamental need we all feel to be recognized for our existence and our particularities.

In a sibling, this need manifests itself from early childhood and will persist throughout life, sometimes quite fiercely. Each child, who intensely desires to be "seen" by his parents and to occupy a specific place that cannot be taken away from him, is indeed ready to play elbows if necessary to obtain it. This is how we sometimes see sixty-year-old siblings continuing to squabble for first place in the eyes of their mother and father.

In a couple, mutual recognition of each other's particularities and specific needs strengthens the durability of the relationship. It's a claim that each partner can make repeatedly if they feel "denied" by the other. An example is Axel Bauer's song À ma place, in which each partner demands to be accepted (recognized) as he or she is. For example, in Axel Bauer's song À ma place, in which we all demand to be accepted (recognized) as we are: "Can it be that we're loved for what we are? (...) I don't expect you to understand me, but only to love me for what I am.

Recognizing the value of others

We take things to the next level when it comes to showing others that they have a special value. From the objective "you exist materially and I see you", to the factual "I know who you are and I know your name", we arrive here at the subjective "I consider that you are important or that what you bring to me makes a difference to me".

The way in which this recognition of the value of others is expressed varies enormously. It may involve only two people, or it may be validated at a collective level.

The mark awarded by a teacher to his pupil validates a level of achievement with a recognized (standardized) code that others will identify for what it is.

• A medal such as the Legion of Honor validates a person's worth on a national level, and is identifiable by all.
• The amount of a salary is seen by many people as a way of recognizing a person's skills, and so on.

This collective recognition may or may not be of importance to the individual, and ostensibly rejecting it generally marks people's minds, as when certain personalities refuse to accept an award or an invitation to take part in a media ceremony. See, for example, the high-profile refusal by the recently deceased Iranian author Marjane Satrapi to be awarded the Legion of Honor. Ostensibly refusing a prize or medal is currently a way for artists, in particular, to underline the hypocrisy of handing out awards with one hand, when we don't support or even crush the craft with the other.

The American psychologist Frederick Herzberg, who enriched Maslow's work on motivation, placed recognition at the heart of motivation at work. He also demonstrated that intrinsic motivation (which comes from within) is far more powerful and lasting than extrinsic motivation (which depends on the outside).

Thus, a good salary - while validating skills - is less effective in maintaining commitment in the long term than a deep sense of usefulness. To be fully sustainable, however, this sense of usefulness needs to be reinforced and validated by the recognition of others. A social worker or cultural worker, for example, despite his or her generally low salary, can feed his or her motivation with the conviction that what he or she does is useful to other human beings and/or to society at large, but this conviction will be all the more reinforced if the people he or she cares for explicitly show him or her recognition for what he or she does.

In this way, everyone can feed their need for recognition by self-validating their own worth, rather than expecting it from others. At some point, however, confirmation by others becomes inescapable.

For example, if I write novels, I may feel that what I'm writing is of high quality, but if I'm never published, if no one reads my work and shows me their appreciation, I'll always lack full certainty about the value of my work. However, the other person who recognizes and validates my work must, from my point of view, be a "significant" other (Berne), i.e. one to whom I myself attach value.

To be seen, to be recognized, to be valued, from one individual to another, when the need to exist becomes a cry

All human beings need to be seen and recognized by others to feel they exist. The need to be valued by others can vary in intensity from one person to another.

This aspect of recognition by others only becomes primordial according to the importance we attach to relationships with others. Some temperaments that enjoy solitude and prefer to carry out their projects alone need much less external validation than others who only feel truly alive when they enter into dialogue with others.

The importance of external scrutiny and validation is proportional to the desire for social integration. It seems, moreover, that with age, this importance diminishes, sometimes even disappearing altogether.

This need can be all the more essential if the individual was not sufficiently "seen" and supported in childhood. We all know people who are constantly "begging" for recognition (to be seen, recognized and/or valued), either explicitly or, much more often, implicitly. There are those people who, arriving late for a meeting, will, instead of being discreet, interrupt the exchanges to detail what has held them up, and settle in noisily. There are those people who will occupy the entire conversation space with what they've done, achieved or simply crossed paths with during the day. There are those people who will never stop talking about their relationships with celebrities or how much they earn.

Most of the time, these people don't realize that they're only trying to feed their need for recognition, which, like a bottomless pit, is never filled because it wasn't fed enough in childhood.

"These initial needs for validation turn into real emotional fuel. We draw from them an energy and security that shape our self-perception". (Galant)

From the need for connection to the emotional "black hole

It is in this register of unfulfilled need that recognition becomes burdensome, both for others and for oneself. It becomes a permanent claim and the true objective of every action, which therefore only takes on value in terms of the recognition it achieves. It's a never-ending quest, always unsatisfied because it's never enough.

People who pursue this quest exhaust themselves and others with their constant demand to be "seen" in the way that suits them. They will constantly demand more money, more rewards, more applause, more proof of love. Recognition in this sense becomes a veritable black hole, sucking up everything in its path and even isolating a person who scares everyone away.

This kind of need for recognition can be seen, for example, in the savior syndrome identified by Karpman in his dramatic triangle. The "savior" tries to feed his or her insatiable need for gratitude and recognition by providing help even when it isn't required, and when his or her intervention may actually make the problem worse. As long as he hasn't identified the real cause of his relentless desire to save others against their will, he will repeatedly throw himself into this endless perverse game.

In reality, we can no longer really speak of recognition in this case, but rather of a need for attention, the attention that was lacking when human beings were building themselves and badly needed the support and approval of those around them. To put an end to this relentless and bitter quest, we need to stop looking outside ourselves for recognition and attention, and learn to give ourselves credit.

This is a long way from the factual, and it's also why there are so many demands these days for recognition of the underprivileged by the more powerful, of the sexes by each other, of generations by each other, and so on. Most of the time, of course, these claims are backed up by factual data, but when it comes down to it, not being recognized for your worth is first and foremost a feeling, and as we all know, battles of feeling are dialogues of the deaf.

The bridge of empathy: towards a reciprocity that transforms us

Empathy can be defined as the ability to recognize the similar in the difference of the other. It is therefore a question of recognition, in the sense of identification. I recognize emotions in the other that I can experience myself. I can put myself in the other person's shoes, and can therefore, in principle, apprehend their experience, recognize their intentions and grant them understanding and compassion.

As psychiatrist and author Serge Tisseron points out, this level of empathy does not actually imply recognition of the other's humanity. We need to move on to the next stage of empathy, which is mutual recognition and reciprocity - the two-way flow, in other words - for the possibility of compassion to appear.

"We recognize the other's ability to identify with us, and this involves direct contact with all mimogestual expressions. This recognition has three facets: recognizing the other as capable of valuing himself as I do myself (this is the component of narcissism); recognizing him as capable of loving and being loved (this is the component of object relations); recognizing him as a subject of rights (this is the component of group relations)." (Nachin, quoting Tisseron)

Serge Tisseron then identifies a third level of empathy: intersubjectivity. It consists in "recognizing in the other the possibility of enlightening me about parts of myself that I ignore (...) Then the barriers come down" (Nachin). This level of empathy is obviously present between therapist and patient, but it can also exist in a friendly or loving relationship. It also exists between a teacher and his or her pupil, to whom he or she pays deep attention and may take him or her further than the pupil had envisaged, because the teacher identifies abilities in the pupil that the pupil is unaware of.

However, as Tisseron points out, this form of empathy and recognition requires the ability to enter into resonance with the other without feeling threatened, for "in effect, to admit that the other has the capacity to inform me about myself is to recognize the possibility of establishing power over me". (Nachin). This level of empathy therefore requires a great deal of trust and letting go, which implies recognizing each other's benevolent intentions.

Basically, shifting the recognition from a surface need - often confused with the quest for attention - to deep empathy is undoubtedly one of the greatest educational challenges of our time.

At a time when algorithms and social networks are establishing themselves as industrial purveyors of virtual but ephemeral "signs of recognition", learning contexts remain among the rare spaces for confrontation with the other's principle of reality.

Faced with this quest for digital existence, which sometimes resembles a bottomless pit, how can pedagogy equip the younger generations to learn to self-validate, while remaining capable of giving others real, human and disinterested attention?

"With the question of recognition, (...) it's more a question of restoring a power to act that draws its strength from self-understanding and from the social transactions that involve consideration, esteem and appreciation" (Jorro).

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